Stories
golf is Not a Sport
In my dad's house, my brothers, Dad, and I discussed and argued everything from ancient aliens to what constitutes "real music." My mom was the moderator, especially when the discussion moved from the den to her dinner table. We welcomed any opinion as long it was supported by facts and logic.
One Sunday, the question was, What is the Truest Sport? I chose basketball, Don chose football, Dad chose baseball, and Jim chose golf. Before anyone could say anything else, I spouted, "Golf isn't a sport!"
Forget basketball, football, and baseball. The debate went straight to golf. We went on for hours.
This question was never satisfactorily answered that day, and though DC and Dad are gone, the "discussion" continues between Jim and me.
Jim can speak for himself. Here are points against -
golf* is only a game. It is a pastime played by the privileged, dressed in their Sunday best, with fancy shoes, on manicured lawns, hitting little balls with overly priced sticks.
There is no danger in golf, no checks, no sliding, no blocking, and no tackling.
There is no physical effort in golf. golfers walk everywhere they go, pulling their sticks in little strollers, ride in little electric cars, or worse, have an indentured servant carry their sticks.
Before a golfer can hit the ball with his stick, everyone has to be quiet, so the little primadonna in undisturbed as he struts around his ball, showing off his new outfit and taking practice swings before he finally gets around to hitting the ball.
They get as many tries as they want to get the ball down the grass and into the hole. It doesn't matter how many strokes you take because you are "playing yourself."
golfers have handicaps.
They have words like putt, fairway, rough, birdie, and bogey.
There are no cheerleaders in golf.
Playing golf is a game akin to bowling, tiddlywinks, or hopscotch.
Here's how we fix golf and make it a sport. Call it 505 golf.
Players wear protective gear. You will be tackled in 505 golf.
You have ten seconds to hit your ball while the fans of the other players yell, ring cowbells, and blow Vuvuzelas. After ten seconds, the other players may tackle you, steal your ball, and throw it in any direction he wants. Just in case we have Nancy Boys playing each other, each tee and green will have a Punisher to keep the threat level high and the play flowing. You must be tough in 505 golf.
Once both balls are hit, players may elect to run to their ball for their next shot, or race the other player to that player's ball and hit it in any direction he wants. You have to be fast in 505 golf.
There are snakes in the roughs, gators in the water, and quicksand in the bunkers of a 505 Golf course. You must play the ball where it lands. You must be brave in 505 golf.
At the greens are those fans again, with their horns and bells, led by cheerleaders in fight songs and old yells. Cheerleaders will be hot in 505 golf.
The ten-second rule applies inside the green. If the other player's ball is in your way, tough shit! You have to put English on the ball in 505 golf.
There is no little flag marking the hole and in 505 Golf, it is the equivalent diameter to the golf ball that a basketball hoop is to a basketball. That's about 2.5 inches, Player. You have to be better in 505 golf.
Sadly, at sixteen, I didn't have the eloquence to express these overwhelming points effectively. Had I been the brilliant thinker I am now, I certainly could have carried the day and settled the issue once and for all time. However, golf is still not a sport.
*I never capitalized "golf" and "golfers," like I don't capitalize "god" on other pages. golf and golfers don't count.
In recent years, I have argued that golf courses, especially those surrounded by elite housing, are symbols of White Privilege and should be taken over by the Democrat-controlled government and repurposed for low-income family housing projects and high-end migrant camps. Why should anyone be allowed exclusive use of such large tracts of land and have such big houses? Someone call AOC and her Squad!